you know those days where you think a little extra about everything? I couldn’t put down the word love. Everyone sees this word and throws it around like it’s a fucking frisbee. Yet it’s the single one word that no one can explain. There are reasons why you love, but how could we not know how to describe it? Is it indescribable? Or are we just cowards. We can’t explain it because we are too afraid to see what exactly comes out of our mouths. Or maybe we just don’t have a fucking clue. We have no idea why it happens and it’s impossible to stop. If love was on sale with this tagline, I’d keep walking. So why do we want to surround ourselves with love? If love is indescribable, unstoppable, and just flat out terrifying? I don’t know. I don’t think anyone really does. They think they do, but they don’t. Love has become the most valuable teddy bear at the fair. Something to strive for. To win. We are addicted to feeling love. We want to feel good. Newsflash, that’s not love. Love comes with baggage. Love comes with hurt and sorrow and confusion and unbelievable problems. But we still want it. We get hurt countless times, but we keep going in order to find “perfect love” when we know in our hearts it doesn’t exist.
Now I know. I probably have literally no clue what I’m talking about. Because up until now, I thought I’ve never been in love. I kept telling myself that I didn’t feel it. Now I know that all I ever felt was love. I was burned so badly only because my love was fragile and real. The second I realized it, the second everything came back like a flash of lightning. When I was close to him, when I made him laugh, when he hugged me, when he sobbed on me and I didn’t sob back. And I blame myself? I’m human, love is not. Love is so powerful and it surrounded me with steal bolts. But love doesn’t feel bad. No, the greatest part about love is the feeling. The most treacherous part is the consequence. We fear love because of the after, not the during. After the initial spark comes fire. But fire is warm, until it burns you. Ice can help, but too much kills. Fire and Ice: the infinity of love. Maybe there is an in-between. But I only felt the hot and cold. Soon, I hope, I’ll feel everything.
I’ve discovered and learned a number of things about myself and the world in 21 years. My child self was shy, scared, observant, quiet. My teen self was insecure, scared, doubtful, still shy. Now my young adult self is more rounded, but a bit selfish. She isn’t very shy, but she isn’t very open. I’ve grown to like who she has become, but realize the amount of work that still needs to be done. But I can’t see myself as this project that I need to get over with. I’m progressive in the way that I feel, learn, understand, connect. I grow day by day, with a careful and messy attempt every step. I don’t face things head on, but when I’m upset, I am only upset. I don’t let things go, which is my strength and my downfall. Shoving problems under the rug does not result well in any situation, but not seeing every perspective can’t move things forward either. What I’m missing is balance. I have tried to see two sides rather than only my own because that’s all I really understand. But it’s possible to understand someone else if you give them a chance to explain and you give yourself a chance to look deeper.
It’s taking me long enough to immerse myself in the idea of true growth. Unlike flowers, the act never stops for us. Flowers keep their shape and beauty for a short amount of time before they die out, especially if no one cares for them. Us humans can’t rely on someone else to care for us. Your body is your responsibility. Your mind and spirit is your landscape. Water it, feed it, illuminate it.
how does one write their heart
onto a blank piece of nothing
my heart aches from beating so fast
i want everything on this piece of nothing
but how can my insides
that people would want to believe
now i realize that
a writers most powerful instrument
is their words
they fill ones heart
like an arena
but never fall out of tune
and the most impressive thing
is that when the song ends
your heart does that thing
where it flutters and aches
but keeps a rhythm
like the song never ended
in the first place
Dreams keep us alive
Like a pretty coffee shop
They give us something to look forward to
There is no such thing as an impossible dream
Flying is even possible
Because wanting to fly is not the dream
It’s wanting to feel like you’re soaring
Through the mountains, trees,
Over the biggest things on Earth
And it’s very possible to feel that
Just walking in a meadow
You can be safe
While feeling like you’re on the very tip of the world
Promises to yourself should be as well known as promises to loved ones.
We promise until death do us part
We promise with loyalty on our tongues
But should we promise to give us strength when no one is around?
Should we embrace our inner selves with a promise?
Our bodies sometimes need a push
We need something to believe in
Just as much as we trust belief in others.
via Daily Prompt: Promises
There once was an elephant
Pure as the whitest snow
Elegant as a lady’s glove
She was small
And her friends constantly reminded her
The elephant’s insides shook
every time her friends laughed
at her unique size
But one stormy day came along
and all of the big elephants had no place to hide
But the elegant elephant found a quiet cave
small enough to shield her
and big enough to live in
Now her friends begged the sky to be small
so they could be safe, quiet
But the lightning struck their enormous beings
leaving the elegant one alone
She met new friends
Mr. Bat and Mrs. Bat
They understood her
They loved her
and now the elegant elephant
Somewhere along growing up from a pretty awful, anxious home life to losing almost all of my high school friends has made me ice cold. I’ve always had walls made of concrete, but they’re slowly growing even higher and it seems almost impossible to crash them down. I feel like I’m drowning in a pond of my own demons. Growing up without true and open relationships has made me convinced that there’s almost no such thing.
But I do know there is. It’s so hard for me to understand and open up myself. I feel that I close myself off to the people I care about most. I’m so hard to handle, I’m sorry.