you know those days where you think a little extra about everything? I couldn’t put down the word love. Everyone sees this word and throws it around like it’s a fucking frisbee. Yet it’s the single one word that no one can explain. There are reasons why you love, but how could we not know how to describe it? Is it indescribable? Or are we just cowards. We can’t explain it because we are too afraid to see what exactly comes out of our mouths. Or maybe we just don’t have a fucking clue. We have no idea why it happens and it’s impossible to stop. If love was on sale with this tagline, I’d keep walking. So why do we want to surround ourselves with love? If love is indescribable, unstoppable, and just flat out terrifying? I don’t know. I don’t think anyone really does. They think they do, but they don’t. Love has become the most valuable teddy bear at the fair. Something to strive for. To win. We are addicted to feeling love. We want to feel good. Newsflash, that’s not love. Love comes with baggage. Love comes with hurt and sorrow and confusion and unbelievable problems. But we still want it. We get hurt countless times, but we keep going in order to find “perfect love” when we know in our hearts it doesn’t exist.

Now I know. I probably have literally no clue what I’m talking about. Because up until now, I thought I’ve never been in love. I kept telling myself that I didn’t feel it. Now I know that all I ever felt was love. I was burned so badly only because my love was fragile and real. The second I realized it, the second everything came back like a flash of lightning. When I was close to him, when I made him laugh, when he hugged me, when he sobbed on me and I didn’t sob back. And I blame myself? I’m human, love is not. Love is so powerful and it surrounded me with steal bolts. But love doesn’t feel bad. No, the greatest part about love is the feeling. The most treacherous part is the consequence. We fear love because of the after, not the during. After the initial spark comes fire. But fire is warm, until it burns you. Ice can help, but too much kills. Fire and Ice: the infinity of love. Maybe there is an in-between. But I only felt the hot and cold. Soon, I hope, I’ll feel everything.

It Took Me Long Enough

I’ve discovered and learned a number of things about myself and the world in 21 years. My child self was shy, scared, observant, quiet. My teen self was insecure, scared, doubtful, still shy. Now my young adult self is more rounded, but a bit selfish. She isn’t very shy, but she isn’t very open. I’ve grown to like who she has become, but realize the amount of work that still needs to be done. But I can’t see myself as this project that I need to get over with. I’m progressive in the way that I feel, learn, understand, connect. I grow day by day, with a careful and messy attempt every step. I don’t face things head on, but when I’m upset, I am only upset. I don’t let things go, which is my strength and my downfall. Shoving problems under the rug does not result well in any situation, but not seeing every perspective can’t move things forward either. What I’m missing is balance. I have tried to see two sides rather than only my own because that’s all I really understand. But it’s possible to understand someone else if you give them a chance to explain and you give yourself a chance to look deeper.

It’s taking me long enough to immerse myself in the idea of true growth. Unlike flowers, the act never stops for us. Flowers keep their shape and beauty for a short amount of time before they die out, especially if no one cares for them. Us humans can’t rely on someone else to care for us. Your body is your responsibility. Your mind and spirit is your landscape. Water it, feed it, illuminate it.

what i feel when i orchestrate words

how does one write their heart

onto a blank piece of nothing

my heart aches from beating so fast

i want everything on this piece of nothing

but how can my insides

become words

that people would want to believe

 

 

 

now i realize that

a writers most powerful instrument

is their words

 

they  fill ones heart

like an arena

but never fall out of tune

 

and the most impressive thing

is that when the song ends

your heart does that thing

where it flutters and aches

but keeps a rhythm

like the song never ended

in the first place

 

 

 

 

 

Dream

Dreams keep us alive

Like a pretty coffee shop

They give us something to look forward to

 

There is no such thing as an impossible dream

Flying is even possible

Because wanting to fly is not the dream

It’s wanting to feel like you’re soaring

Through the mountains, trees,

Over the biggest things on Earth

 

And it’s very possible to feel that

Just walking in a meadow

You can be safe

While feeling like you’re on the very tip of the world

 

 

Daily Prompt: Promises

Promises to yourself should be as well known as promises to loved ones.

We promise until death do us part

We promise with loyalty on our tongues

But should we promise to give us strength when no one is around?

Should we embrace our inner selves with a promise?

Our bodies sometimes need a push

We need something to believe in

Just as much as we trust belief in others.

 

 

 

 

 

 

via Daily Prompt: Promises

Elegant Elephant

There once was an elephant
Pure as the whitest snow
Elegant as a lady’s glove

She was small
Quant, even
And her friends constantly reminded her

The elephant’s insides shook
every time her friends laughed
at her unique size

But one stormy day came along
and all of the big elephants had no place to hide
But the elegant elephant found a quiet cave
small enough to shield her
and big enough to live in

Now her friends begged the sky to be small
so they could be safe, quiet
But the lightning struck their enormous beings
leaving the elegant one alone

She met new friends
Mr. Bat and Mrs. Bat
They understood her
They loved her
and now the elegant elephant
was home

Somewhere along growing up from a pretty awful, anxious home life to losing almost all of my high school friends has made me ice cold. I’ve always had walls made of concrete, but they’re slowly growing even higher and it seems almost impossible to crash them down. I feel like I’m drowning in a pond of my own demons. Growing up without true and open relationships has made me convinced that there’s almost no such thing.

But I do know there is. It’s so hard for me to understand and open up myself. I feel that I close myself off to the people I care about most. I’m so hard to handle, I’m sorry.