happy mothers day to my glorious mother who has inspired me to write and love
this sunday is most likely the last sunday where i will not work, at least until school begins again
dad is roasting a chicken, I’m sipping on some wine
and it’s 3:22pm
the air is refreshing and wonderful
the light coats my guitar, illuminating the sound that lives within its strings
i remember how beautiful my life is right now
and how delicate and strong i am
how i love to sing and write and play and eat and drink and read and watch and admire
I’m not typically an avid fan of Broadway musicals, but I’ve heard impeccable things about this particular musical so I decided to listen to the soundtrack. The first song I listened to was ‘Waving Through a Window’ and I can honestly say that I have never heard a song quite like this one. Ben Platt is not only an immaculate singer (I’ll talk more about him later) but the lyrics perfectly captured the feeling of social anxiety in a nuanced way. My favorite lines were: “..and no one tells you where you went wrong” and of course “when you’re falling in a forest, and there’s nobody around, do you ever really crash or even make a sound.”
I watched the musical online and because of how incredible the soundtrack was, I knew I was in for some touching moments. Little did I know that I would be crying almost throughout the entire 2nd act. The characters are so raw and real that it felt like I was watching these characters just existing with one another, not a scripted play. To the main character Evan, a socially anxious teenager who gets swept into this lie about a fake friendship with Connor, a kid who killed himself in the beginning of the show, because of his desperate desire to feel apart of something. This is so me that it freaked me out in the best way possible. The entire song of him describing his fake friendship (For Forever) reached into my core. I often create scenarios in my head when I feel most alone, especially about having friendships that aren’t real, so that song felt so real to me. Another aspect that tore me up was the relationship with Evan and his mother, who worked a lot while also going to school. Because she was very busy, Evan didn’t feel as connected to her, therefore making him bond more with Connor’s grieving parents. I can honestly say I didn’t stop crying during the song So Big/So Small sung by his mother. It makes me want to hug my mom every time I hear it.
Now I need to talk about Ben Platt. The second he begins his opening monologue to the moment he sings his last note, he truly IS Evan Hansen. I haven’t ever witnessed an actor disappear into a role like Ben Platt. He embodies a socially anxious teenager in the most realistic way; I felt like I was getting to know a human being. But my favorite part about Ben’s acting was his ability to grow with the character. Evan undergoes many changes from Act 1 to Act 2, but he still keeps his unique mannerisms. The song “Words Fail” was the most heartbreaking song and performance I’ve ever seen. While Evan/Ben cries through the entire song, it’s never too much or too little, it was just real. I loved how Evan had such a difficult time talking to people, but then when he opens his mouth to sing, it’s the most beautiful voice. His singing voice represents his inner self, the self that he can truly control. I could honestly go on and on..
Also, Only Us and Requiem are such beautiful songs and Laura Dreyfuss is a real life angel and her portrayal of Zoe (Connor’s sister) is gorgeous and the chemistry between her and Ben Platt was authentic and glorious.
I truly feel like there aren’t many musicals that tell this important story. Dear Evan Hanson is a beautifully genuine musical that portrays the realist form of the feeling of social anxiety and wanting to just disappear. At times it broke me, but not without picking up the pieces and gluing them back together with a heartwarming ending.
you know those days where you think a little extra about everything? I couldn’t put down the word love. Everyone sees this word and throws it around like it’s a fucking frisbee. Yet it’s the single one word that no one can explain. There are reasons why you love, but how could we not know how to describe it? Is it indescribable? Or are we just cowards. We can’t explain it because we are too afraid to see what exactly comes out of our mouths. Or maybe we just don’t have a fucking clue. We have no idea why it happens and it’s impossible to stop. If love was on sale with this tagline, I’d keep walking. So why do we want to surround ourselves with love? If love is indescribable, unstoppable, and just flat out terrifying? I don’t know. I don’t think anyone really does. They think they do, but they don’t. Love has become the most valuable teddy bear at the fair. Something to strive for. To win. We are addicted to feeling love. We want to feel good. Newsflash, that’s not love. Love comes with baggage. Love comes with hurt and sorrow and confusion and unbelievable problems. But we still want it. We get hurt countless times, but we keep going in order to find “perfect love” when we know in our hearts it doesn’t exist.
Now I know. I probably have literally no clue what I’m talking about. Because up until now, I thought I’ve never been in love. I kept telling myself that I didn’t feel it. Now I know that all I ever felt was love. I was burned so badly only because my love was fragile and real. The second I realized it, the second everything came back like a flash of lightning. When I was close to him, when I made him laugh, when he hugged me, when he sobbed on me and I didn’t sob back. And I blame myself? I’m human, love is not. Love is so powerful and it surrounded me with steal bolts. But love doesn’t feel bad. No, the greatest part about love is the feeling. The most treacherous part is the consequence. We fear love because of the after, not the during. After the initial spark comes fire. But fire is warm, until it burns you. Ice can help, but too much kills. Fire and Ice: the infinity of love. Maybe there is an in-between. But I only felt the hot and cold. Soon, I hope, I’ll feel everything.
I’ve discovered and learned a number of things about myself and the world in 21 years. My child self was shy, scared, observant, quiet. My teen self was insecure, scared, doubtful, still shy. Now my young adult self is more rounded, but a bit selfish. She isn’t very shy, but she isn’t very open. I’ve grown to like who she has become, but realize the amount of work that still needs to be done. But I can’t see myself as this project that I need to get over with. I’m progressive in the way that I feel, learn, understand, connect. I grow day by day, with a careful and messy attempt every step. I don’t face things head on, but when I’m upset, I am only upset. I don’t let things go, which is my strength and my downfall. Shoving problems under the rug does not result well in any situation, but not seeing every perspective can’t move things forward either. What I’m missing is balance. I have tried to see two sides rather than only my own because that’s all I really understand. But it’s possible to understand someone else if you give them a chance to explain and you give yourself a chance to look deeper.
It’s taking me long enough to immerse myself in the idea of true growth. Unlike flowers, the act never stops for us. Flowers keep their shape and beauty for a short amount of time before they die out, especially if no one cares for them. Us humans can’t rely on someone else to care for us. Your body is your responsibility. Your mind and spirit is your landscape. Water it, feed it, illuminate it.
how does one write their heart
onto a blank piece of nothing
my heart aches from beating so fast
i want everything on this piece of nothing
but how can my insides
that people would want to believe
now i realize that
a writers most powerful instrument
is their words
they fill ones heart
like an arena
but never fall out of tune
and the most impressive thing
is that when the song ends
your heart does that thing
where it flutters and aches
but keeps a rhythm
like the song never ended
in the first place
Dreams keep us alive
Like a pretty coffee shop
They give us something to look forward to
There is no such thing as an impossible dream
Flying is even possible
Because wanting to fly is not the dream
It’s wanting to feel like you’re soaring
Through the mountains, trees,
Over the biggest things on Earth
And it’s very possible to feel that
Just walking in a meadow
You can be safe
While feeling like you’re on the very tip of the world
Promises to yourself should be as well known as promises to loved ones.
We promise until death do us part
We promise with loyalty on our tongues
But should we promise to give us strength when no one is around?
Should we embrace our inner selves with a promise?
Our bodies sometimes need a push
We need something to believe in
Just as much as we trust belief in others.
via Daily Prompt: Promises