you know those days where you think a little extra about everything? I couldn’t put down the word love. Everyone sees this word and throws it around like it’s a fucking frisbee. Yet it’s the single one word that no one can explain. There are reasons why you love, but how could we not know how to describe it? Is it indescribable? Or are we just cowards. We can’t explain it because we are too afraid to see what exactly comes out of our mouths. Or maybe we just don’t have a fucking clue. We have no idea why it happens and it’s impossible to stop. If love was on sale with this tagline, I’d keep walking. So why do we want to surround ourselves with love? If love is indescribable, unstoppable, and just flat out terrifying? I don’t know. I don’t think anyone really does. They think they do, but they don’t. Love has become the most valuable teddy bear at the fair. Something to strive for. To win. We are addicted to feeling love. We want to feel good. Newsflash, that’s not love. Love comes with baggage. Love comes with hurt and sorrow and confusion and unbelievable problems. But we still want it. We get hurt countless times, but we keep going in order to find “perfect love” when we know in our hearts it doesn’t exist.
Now I know. I probably have literally no clue what I’m talking about. Because up until now, I thought I’ve never been in love. I kept telling myself that I didn’t feel it. Now I know that all I ever felt was love. I was burned so badly only because my love was fragile and real. The second I realized it, the second everything came back like a flash of lightning. When I was close to him, when I made him laugh, when he hugged me, when he sobbed on me and I didn’t sob back. And I blame myself? I’m human, love is not. Love is so powerful and it surrounded me with steal bolts. But love doesn’t feel bad. No, the greatest part about love is the feeling. The most treacherous part is the consequence. We fear love because of the after, not the during. After the initial spark comes fire. But fire is warm, until it burns you. Ice can help, but too much kills. Fire and Ice: the infinity of love. Maybe there is an in-between. But I only felt the hot and cold. Soon, I hope, I’ll feel everything.