happy mothers day to my glorious mother who has inspired me to write and love

this sunday is most likely the last sunday where i will not work, at least until school begins again

dad is roasting a chicken, I’m sipping on some wine

and it’s 3:22pm

the air is refreshing and wonderful

the light coats my guitar, illuminating the sound that lives within its strings

i remember how beautiful my life is right now

and how delicate and strong i am

how i love to sing and write and play and eat and drink and read and watch and admire

and understand.


Review of the new Broadway Musical “Dear Evan Hansen”

I’m not typically an avid fan of Broadway musicals, but I’ve heard impeccable things about this particular musical so I decided to listen to the soundtrack. The first song I listened to was ‘Waving Through a Window’ and I can honestly say that I have never heard a song quite like this one. Ben Platt is not only an immaculate singer (I’ll talk more about him later) but the lyrics perfectly captured the feeling of social anxiety in a nuanced way. My favorite lines were: “..and no one tells you where you went wrong” and of course “when you’re falling in a forest, and there’s nobody around, do you ever really crash or even make a sound.”

I watched the musical online and because of how incredible the soundtrack was, I knew I was in for some touching moments. Little did I know that I would be crying almost throughout the entire 2nd act. The characters are so raw and real that it felt like I was watching these characters just existing with one another, not a scripted play. To the main character Evan, a socially anxious teenager who gets swept into this lie about a fake friendship with Connor, a kid who killed himself in the beginning of the show, because of his desperate desire to feel apart of something. This is so me that it freaked me out in the best way possible. The entire song of him describing his fake friendship (For Forever) reached into my core. I often create scenarios in my head when I feel most alone, especially about having friendships that aren’t real, so that song felt so real to me. Another aspect that tore me up was the relationship with Evan and his mother, who worked a lot while also going to school. Because she was very busy, Evan didn’t feel as connected to her, therefore making him bond more with Connor’s grieving parents. I can honestly say I didn’t stop crying during the song So Big/So Small sung by his mother. It makes me want to hug my mom every time I hear it.

Now I need to talk about Ben Platt. The second he begins his opening monologue to the moment he sings his last note, he truly IS Evan Hansen. I haven’t ever witnessed an actor disappear into a role like Ben Platt. He embodies a socially anxious teenager in the most realistic way; I felt like I was getting to know a human being. But my favorite part about Ben’s acting was his ability to grow with the character. Evan undergoes many changes from Act 1 to Act 2, but he still keeps his unique mannerisms. The song “Words Fail” was the most heartbreaking song and performance I’ve ever seen. While Evan/Ben cries through the entire song, it’s never too much or too little, it was just real. I loved how Evan had such a difficult time talking to people, but then when he opens his mouth to sing, it’s the most beautiful voice. His singing voice represents his inner self, the self that he can truly control. I could honestly go on and on..

Also, Only Us and Requiem are such beautiful songs and Laura Dreyfuss is a real life angel and her portrayal of Zoe (Connor’s sister) is gorgeous and the chemistry between her and Ben Platt was authentic and glorious.

I truly feel like there aren’t many musicals that tell this important story. Dear Evan Hanson is a beautifully genuine musical that portrays the realist form of the feeling of social anxiety and wanting to just disappear. At times it broke me, but not without picking up the pieces and gluing them back together with a heartwarming ending.

Recent Endeavors

I’m not going to lie, most of these will be tv shows, movies, books (the usual boring shit but too bad I have no shame lol) (also this will probably be quite long as I’ve become recently obsessed with many things)

Let’s begin with Holding Up the Universe, a beautiful novel by the always wonderful Jennifer Niven.
Jennifer never ceases to create realistic, delicate, heartbreaking stories. She takes gentle care in crafting characters. Love stories are never the main attraction; the characters have deep battles within themselves that are honest and intriguing. For this novel, she writes two incredibly different individuals with two very different conflicts inside themselves. Libby recently lost weight, but is still seen as one of the most overweight girls in her school. Whereas Jack has face blindness. The two compromise one another significantly well, while still remaining separate in their struggles. The voice of these two characters are distinct and loud and just so real. I could go on and on about this wonderful piece of art, but I’m sure I’ve spilt enough love for now.

La la land. This movie is strikingly magnificent and if you are a human who refuses to see it because of it’s popularity and it’s seemingly typical plot, please reconsider and just watch it. The directing and writing alone is some of the most beautiful in a musical/film I’ve seen. Nothing seemed out of place, unnecessary, or cheesy. Each scene was well constructed into an honest film. The Audition song from Mia (Emma Stone) is one of my favorite musical songs of all time. I’m very happy I saw this film.

The Flash. I kept seeing tumblr gifs from this tv show and decided to take a leap and start it. I’m not at all a big superhero lover, but this SHOW has swept me off my feet and reeled me in. The show is very well written and I found the flash universe incredibly interesting. There seems to be endless flash comics that the show pulls from, making it a very fun show to look forward to watching. A very unique quality of the show is how unbelievably hilarious it is. The humor is so effortless for a superhero show and I just fell in love with that aspect right away. HIGHLY recommend (also Grant Gustin is a beautiful human so there you go)  (OH and Tom Felton who played Draco Malfoy in HP has joined the show and he is so good in it)

Lastly and surprisingly another show based on comics: RIVERDALE! I admit, I started watching the show mostly because Cole Sprouse was in it, but also because the concept was very interesting and remind me of a dark Gossip Girl. I was not at all disappointed. It seems to resemble a mixture of Bates Motel and Gossip Girl, which equals a very intriguing show that I’m very glad I started watching. Of course, everyone has their own ship show happening (I’m 100% Bughead) but the concept is really the reason I’ve fallen in love. Every character has had this powerful moment that makes the show stand together in a unique way. I’m constantly being surprised every episode with what a character does or how they interact, which is very important in tv for me. Back to Bughead for two seconds (Betty and Jughead) I may have fallen into a slight hole from the newest episode with their adorable interactions. I honestly feel like their personalities compliment each other beautifully, plus I love their detective partnership. Overall, this show has become my newest guilt pleasure, although I’m not even a little bit guilty about loving it.

There are probably many more recent endeavors, but I thought this was a good starting list for the new year.

update …

this new set of classes definitely have some of the most work attached to them, but I don’t seem to mind terribly. I like every class to an extent, and my schedule of time is quite unique from what I’m used to. Mon. and Wed. are relaxed and in a new, cool setting. Tu. and Th. are jam packed, four classes in a row, barely any time to eat, but I weirdly like it. I’ve never had a day without breaks in between, so that part excites me.

i have my first short story due for fiction on valentine’s day. I’m writing it about a character very similar to my mother, but a bit more eccentric. I haven’t really started, but my brain is constantly thinking about it, much like every other story that’s floating away inside me.

this new year has helped me realize that my true art and passion is what I’m meant to pursue. no one on the entire planet can talk me out of that.


twenty seventeen looks like sunny and sweet rain; with vibrant colors and early bedtimes.


Like Sunday, Like Rain: my first movie review

It all started when I was wondering on Netflix when I began to find films not many people heard of. Films that were simple but beautiful. Films that tugged at my heart string with incredible writing and acting. I realized that this genre of film I found so fascinating was the wonderful Independent Film. I have countless favorites, but my first review will be the most recent I’ve watched with the wonderful Leighton Meester as the lead. Now if you know me at all you would know that Gossip Girl is one of my favorite shows, and if you know the show G.G., you would know that Leighton Meester plays the irreplaceable Blair Waldorf, who is coincidentally one of my favorite on screen characters in all of television. Now that I have watched two amazing indie films that starred this incredible actress, I’ve realized the reason behind Blair being one of my favs was because of Leighton and her unbelievable portrayal of the character. And her character Eleanor in Like Sunday, Like Rain is absolutely no exception.

The movie is briefly about a women named Eleanor who takes a job as a nanny for this 12-year old rich prodigy for the cello and academics in general. May sound a bit cliche, but trust me there is much more to the story. Their bond grows unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in film or television. The way they truly care for one another makes my heart burst. Throughout the film, we discover how messed up Eleanor’s home life is and how her family doesn’t really care. The boy, Reggie, grows a beautiful care for Eleanor and takes on the role of being there for her unconditionally. Their ending scene together was completely heart wrenching. The raw emotion each of them showed for one another was breathtaking.

I feel like I’m often always looking for romantic films that make me constantly believe in love. But sometimes a film like this comes around and reminds you that love comes in all shapes and sizes and forms. These two share an unbreakable friendship and love that is pure genius and real. I want more films like this one. A complete must see.

EDIT: I completely forgot to mention the incredible acting of Julian Shatkin who plays Reggie. Oh my goodness. I thought the child actors of Stranger Things were unbelievable (they still are don’t get me wrong) but this kid blew me away. He doesn’t just say the words like some child actors tend to do, he lives them. Every move he did and every look he made was meaningful. And of course, the ending scene just brought tears to my eyes. His emotion felt so real, it was a pleasure to watch. He is 100% going places.

Rating: 5 stars

you know those days where you think a little extra about everything? I couldn’t put down the word love. Everyone sees this word and throws it around like it’s a fucking frisbee. Yet it’s the single one word that no one can explain. There are reasons why you love, but how could we not know how to describe it? Is it indescribable? Or are we just cowards. We can’t explain it because we are too afraid to see what exactly comes out of our mouths. Or maybe we just don’t have a fucking clue. We have no idea why it happens and it’s impossible to stop. If love was on sale with this tagline, I’d keep walking. So why do we want to surround ourselves with love? If love is indescribable, unstoppable, and just flat out terrifying? I don’t know. I don’t think anyone really does. They think they do, but they don’t. Love has become the most valuable teddy bear at the fair. Something to strive for. To win. We are addicted to feeling love. We want to feel good. Newsflash, that’s not love. Love comes with baggage. Love comes with hurt and sorrow and confusion and unbelievable problems. But we still want it. We get hurt countless times, but we keep going in order to find “perfect love” when we know in our hearts it doesn’t exist.

Now I know. I probably have literally no clue what I’m talking about. Because up until now, I thought I’ve never been in love. I kept telling myself that I didn’t feel it. Now I know that all I ever felt was love. I was burned so badly only because my love was fragile and real. The second I realized it, the second everything came back like a flash of lightning. When I was close to him, when I made him laugh, when he hugged me, when he sobbed on me and I didn’t sob back. And I blame myself? I’m human, love is not. Love is so powerful and it surrounded me with steal bolts. But love doesn’t feel bad. No, the greatest part about love is the feeling. The most treacherous part is the consequence. We fear love because of the after, not the during. After the initial spark comes fire. But fire is warm, until it burns you. Ice can help, but too much kills. Fire and Ice: the infinity of love. Maybe there is an in-between. But I only felt the hot and cold. Soon, I hope, I’ll feel everything.

It Took Me Long Enough

I’ve discovered and learned a number of things about myself and the world in 21 years. My child self was shy, scared, observant, quiet. My teen self was insecure, scared, doubtful, still shy. Now my young adult self is more rounded, but a bit selfish. She isn’t very shy, but she isn’t very open. I’ve grown to like who she has become, but realize the amount of work that still needs to be done. But I can’t see myself as this project that I need to get over with. I’m progressive in the way that I feel, learn, understand, connect. I grow day by day, with a careful and messy attempt every step. I don’t face things head on, but when I’m upset, I am only upset. I don’t let things go, which is my strength and my downfall. Shoving problems under the rug does not result well in any situation, but not seeing every perspective can’t move things forward either. What I’m missing is balance. I have tried to see two sides rather than only my own because that’s all I really understand. But it’s possible to understand someone else if you give them a chance to explain and you give yourself a chance to look deeper.

It’s taking me long enough to immerse myself in the idea of true growth. Unlike flowers, the act never stops for us. Flowers keep their shape and beauty for a short amount of time before they die out, especially if no one cares for them. Us humans can’t rely on someone else to care for us. Your body is your responsibility. Your mind and spirit is your landscape. Water it, feed it, illuminate it.