i want a lifetime guarantee

humans are not one thing; we are created to be versatile and unique. however, lately a streak of uncertainty has been painted onto my back, making it present but seemingly difficult to keep track of.

a bed is comfortable, but it’s possible to be uncomfortable while laying in a bed

everything is so damn dependable in my life

i am not a shy person, but i am also not an outgoing person: it just depends on who i am around, what mood I’m in, the energy of the other person

we often give people these specific adjectives that make up their personality: funny, quiet, affectionate, sarcastic, silly, serious. 

we are so multidimensional and complex, so why is it so easy for me to stamp a logo that reads “outgoing” onto someone’s forehead and forever associating them with said logo, when i can’t do the same for myself? it must be easier to describe someone else than to describe myself

but i personally can’t put myself into any categories, because almost all of my logos depend on every little thing

i want a lifetime guarantee
of myself

 

too much, too little

“Never apologize for your enthusiasm. 
Never. 
Ever. 
Never.” 
     -Ryan Adams 

Love is scarce?
Love is fleeting?
Love is blind?
These are just excuses.

Love is shunned.
“Too much” love is exhausting.
“Too little” love is harsh.

So we dumb down our love to a happy medium
Nothing special
Nothing extraordinary
Everything becomes numb, expected, content.

Why should we live inside a bubble, floating, letting the wind carry us
when we can pop it
with just a flick
of a finger

I feel stale
I feel locked,
held back
from the fulfillment
of extra love

and I decide to climb on top of an ice berg
ready to see beyond my vision
and the cold isn’t reaching me because my limbs are already numb
and I’m too busy climbing to see my progress

i’m at the tip, where the cracks begin to merge
it’s separating
neither side can hold me
but i’m so numb
that when my body enters the water
i’m already
frozen

“hey, nice to meet you. what’s your music taste?”

Ah, the inevitable conversations of our favorite types of _______.

But why do we discuss our favorites? Because we want others to know us better? Most likely. And when someone else doesn’t “agree” about a certain favorite, cool!? We all like different things!?

If favorites are subjective, then that means people can express their love without receiving backlash, right?

Sadly, as long as there are people expressing their love for something, there will always be someone to crush the very reason you love something simply because their opposing opinion clashed with yours.

Music taste. It’s become this be-all-end-all of who a person is and how valuable their “taste” is. I’m in love with music, so much that my “taste” varies explicitly due to my hobby of searching Spotify for all types of artists, genres. I have the widest mind for art, I let everything that makes me feel something significant in; my taste is based on feeling, not originality, quality, or worth. I feel that the more people base their taste on the mechanics of how it works compared to others, the less they will have the ability to feel the power of each individual works of art, and appreciate them for why they exist. Opinions are beautiful, powerful, and necessary. But the most unproductive act someone can take is putting someone down for having a favorite, for loving a song that may sound similar to another, for enjoying an artist even though they are popular, for releasing a piece of positivity into this already conflicted Earth.

There is no solution, people will still but heads based on various opinions and favorites. However, maybe something as simple and wonderful as music should become a peaceful  road sign, rather than a destructive road block; we can agree to disagree. And maybe we can learn to expand our way of thinking just enough to let the light shine on things we would’n’t normally open the curtains for.

 

xo, liz

sunday

happy mothers day to my glorious mother who has inspired me to write and love

this sunday is most likely the last sunday where i will not work, at least until school begins again

dad is roasting a chicken, I’m sipping on some wine

and it’s 3:22pm

the air is refreshing and wonderful

the light coats my guitar, illuminating the sound that lives within its strings

i remember how beautiful my life is right now

and how delicate and strong i am

how i love to sing and write and play and eat and drink and read and watch and admire

and understand.

 

Review of the new Broadway Musical “Dear Evan Hansen”

I’m not typically an avid fan of Broadway musicals, but I’ve heard impeccable things about this particular musical so I decided to listen to the soundtrack. The first song I listened to was ‘Waving Through a Window’ and I can honestly say that I have never heard a song quite like this one. Ben Platt is not only an immaculate singer (I’ll talk more about him later) but the lyrics perfectly captured the feeling of social anxiety in a nuanced way. My favorite lines were: “..and no one tells you where you went wrong” and of course “when you’re falling in a forest, and there’s nobody around, do you ever really crash or even make a sound.”

I watched the musical online and because of how incredible the soundtrack was, I knew I was in for some touching moments. Little did I know that I would be crying almost throughout the entire 2nd act. The characters are so raw and real that it felt like I was watching these characters just existing with one another, not a scripted play. To the main character Evan, a socially anxious teenager who gets swept into this lie about a fake friendship with Connor, a kid who killed himself in the beginning of the show, because of his desperate desire to feel apart of something. This is so me that it freaked me out in the best way possible. The entire song of him describing his fake friendship (For Forever) reached into my core. I often create scenarios in my head when I feel most alone, especially about having friendships that aren’t real, so that song felt so real to me. Another aspect that tore me up was the relationship with Evan and his mother, who worked a lot while also going to school. Because she was very busy, Evan didn’t feel as connected to her, therefore making him bond more with Connor’s grieving parents. I can honestly say I didn’t stop crying during the song So Big/So Small sung by his mother. It makes me want to hug my mom every time I hear it.

Now I need to talk about Ben Platt. The second he begins his opening monologue to the moment he sings his last note, he truly IS Evan Hansen. I haven’t ever witnessed an actor disappear into a role like Ben Platt. He embodies a socially anxious teenager in the most realistic way; I felt like I was getting to know a human being. But my favorite part about Ben’s acting was his ability to grow with the character. Evan undergoes many changes from Act 1 to Act 2, but he still keeps his unique mannerisms. The song “Words Fail” was the most heartbreaking song and performance I’ve ever seen. While Evan/Ben cries through the entire song, it’s never too much or too little, it was just real. I loved how Evan had such a difficult time talking to people, but then when he opens his mouth to sing, it’s the most beautiful voice. His singing voice represents his inner self, the self that he can truly control. I could honestly go on and on..

Also, Only Us and Requiem are such beautiful songs and Laura Dreyfuss is a real life angel and her portrayal of Zoe (Connor’s sister) is gorgeous and the chemistry between her and Ben Platt was authentic and glorious.

I truly feel like there aren’t many musicals that tell this important story. Dear Evan Hanson is a beautifully genuine musical that portrays the realist form of the feeling of social anxiety and wanting to just disappear. At times it broke me, but not without picking up the pieces and gluing them back together with a heartwarming ending.

Recent Endeavors

I’m not going to lie, most of these will be tv shows, movies, books (the usual boring shit but too bad I have no shame lol) (also this will probably be quite long as I’ve become recently obsessed with many things)

Let’s begin with Holding Up the Universe, a beautiful novel by the always wonderful Jennifer Niven.
Jennifer never ceases to create realistic, delicate, heartbreaking stories. She takes gentle care in crafting characters. Love stories are never the main attraction; the characters have deep battles within themselves that are honest and intriguing. For this novel, she writes two incredibly different individuals with two very different conflicts inside themselves. Libby recently lost weight, but is still seen as one of the most overweight girls in her school. Whereas Jack has face blindness. The two compromise one another significantly well, while still remaining separate in their struggles. The voice of these two characters are distinct and loud and just so real. I could go on and on about this wonderful piece of art, but I’m sure I’ve spilt enough love for now.

La la land. This movie is strikingly magnificent and if you are a human who refuses to see it because of it’s popularity and it’s seemingly typical plot, please reconsider and just watch it. The directing and writing alone is some of the most beautiful in a musical/film I’ve seen. Nothing seemed out of place, unnecessary, or cheesy. Each scene was well constructed into an honest film. The Audition song from Mia (Emma Stone) is one of my favorite musical songs of all time. I’m very happy I saw this film.

The Flash. I kept seeing tumblr gifs from this tv show and decided to take a leap and start it. I’m not at all a big superhero lover, but this SHOW has swept me off my feet and reeled me in. The show is very well written and I found the flash universe incredibly interesting. There seems to be endless flash comics that the show pulls from, making it a very fun show to look forward to watching. A very unique quality of the show is how unbelievably hilarious it is. The humor is so effortless for a superhero show and I just fell in love with that aspect right away. HIGHLY recommend (also Grant Gustin is a beautiful human so there you go)  (OH and Tom Felton who played Draco Malfoy in HP has joined the show and he is so good in it)

Lastly and surprisingly another show based on comics: RIVERDALE! I admit, I started watching the show mostly because Cole Sprouse was in it, but also because the concept was very interesting and remind me of a dark Gossip Girl. I was not at all disappointed. It seems to resemble a mixture of Bates Motel and Gossip Girl, which equals a very intriguing show that I’m very glad I started watching. Of course, everyone has their own ship show happening (I’m 100% Bughead) but the concept is really the reason I’ve fallen in love. Every character has had this powerful moment that makes the show stand together in a unique way. I’m constantly being surprised every episode with what a character does or how they interact, which is very important in tv for me. Back to Bughead for two seconds (Betty and Jughead) I may have fallen into a slight hole from the newest episode with their adorable interactions. I honestly feel like their personalities compliment each other beautifully, plus I love their detective partnership. Overall, this show has become my newest guilt pleasure, although I’m not even a little bit guilty about loving it.

There are probably many more recent endeavors, but I thought this was a good starting list for the new year.

you know those days where you think a little extra about everything? I couldn’t put down the word love. Everyone sees this word and throws it around like it’s a fucking frisbee. Yet it’s the single one word that no one can explain. There are reasons why you love, but how could we not know how to describe it? Is it indescribable? Or are we just cowards. We can’t explain it because we are too afraid to see what exactly comes out of our mouths. Or maybe we just don’t have a fucking clue. We have no idea why it happens and it’s impossible to stop. If love was on sale with this tagline, I’d keep walking. So why do we want to surround ourselves with love? If love is indescribable, unstoppable, and just flat out terrifying? I don’t know. I don’t think anyone really does. They think they do, but they don’t. Love has become the most valuable teddy bear at the fair. Something to strive for. To win. We are addicted to feeling love. We want to feel good. Newsflash, that’s not love. Love comes with baggage. Love comes with hurt and sorrow and confusion and unbelievable problems. But we still want it. We get hurt countless times, but we keep going in order to find “perfect love” when we know in our hearts it doesn’t exist.

Now I know. I probably have literally no clue what I’m talking about. Because up until now, I thought I’ve never been in love. I kept telling myself that I didn’t feel it. Now I know that all I ever felt was love. I was burned so badly only because my love was fragile and real. The second I realized it, the second everything came back like a flash of lightning. When I was close to him, when I made him laugh, when he hugged me, when he sobbed on me and I didn’t sob back. And I blame myself? I’m human, love is not. Love is so powerful and it surrounded me with steal bolts. But love doesn’t feel bad. No, the greatest part about love is the feeling. The most treacherous part is the consequence. We fear love because of the after, not the during. After the initial spark comes fire. But fire is warm, until it burns you. Ice can help, but too much kills. Fire and Ice: the infinity of love. Maybe there is an in-between. But I only felt the hot and cold. Soon, I hope, I’ll feel everything.